Journal

So I'm in the midst of housesitting right now. And I'm in Rancho Santa Margarita. It's far away from everyone. But.. It's kind of okay. It's far enough that I get time to be alone, but close enough that people will make the trek out here. And Irvine is halfway inbetween. Like, I'm a socialable person, most people can attest to that. But sometimes, it's nice to be away. It's like I'm on vacation, even though I have to go to work and school. I don't mind it.

Although all week long, all I've wanted was my journal. I meant to grab it from home when I went for Thanksgiving, and I totally forgot. I've had some weird feelings and thoughts lately. Not weird. More like.. I don't know. I miss my daily personal journal. I can tell you what was going on almost every day my Senior year. And I wish I could reread what's gone on everyday of this past year. I wish I could go through and read about how much I've grown. How my spiritual walk has changed dramatically in a great way. How my thoughts towards certain people have changed. How my motivations have changed. How the people that used to make me laugh now make me roll my eyes. Just little things like that. I have to think about it, and I know some of the things are foggy. Hah. Makes me wish I was a vampire. Not like in a weird way.. But cuz they have impeccable memories. They can remember everything that's happened (since becoming a vampire).. And I wish I could do that.

I'm so thankful for my friends these days. And for my family.

I'm going to the Philippines for two weeks in a little over a month. I am so beyond excited. I'm so grateful for a job that will let me have the time off.

God is faithful. All the time.

It makes me so sad

It breaks my heart when I drive past certain churches on Sunday mornings. When I see the hundreds of people standing outside the doors, wanting to get inside. I want to grab them, and shake them at the shoulders "This is not where you should be going! What's in there is not what's going to get you to heaven!" And they think they are! They don't realize that everything that has been pumped into their mind and heart, that some of them have poured their lives to, isn't going to get them where they think it's going. They're going to hell, it's as simple as that. It kills me when I hear a Chris Tomlin or Michael W. Smith song pouring onto the streets. They wrote that music to praise God, to bring glory to Him. They are strong, Christian, God fearing men.. And their music is being sung and lifted up by people who don't believe the Truth. They think they know the Truth, but they don't. They've been brought up in their faith the same way I have. Some have gone on missions trips. Some have gone to colleges for their faith.... And it makes me so sad. Sad that they're learning more and more things that will drive them closer to the god they think is God, and the lifestyles and habits their faith believes in... But it's driving them further and further away from God and heaven. And if you're not going towards God and heaven, you're moving away. Even "standing still" is moving away, because if you're not growing in your faith, you're shrinking. And think of all the mission trips and conferences that get people to come to "Christ"... These people who are "lost" and are looking for God.. Are being lead to the wrong place. Like cattle being herded to the slaughter house. They don't realize where they're headed until it's too late. They're already dead. And they're already in hell.

It's just sad. But makes me so grateful for the parents I have that raised me to grow up to have the relationship that I have with God. And that I know what my life is for.

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) - Chris Tomlin

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) - Chris Tomlin
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures



I don't know how people survive in this world without having God to rely on.
Not "a god". Not "their god". Not "someone higher than them".
God.
My God. Your God. The only God.
I've seen people struggle and try to get through things on their own.
And I've seen them turn to their friends, to alcohol, to work, to sex.
And then I've seen people turn to God.
And I've seen the end results of both.
When you turn to alcohol, you just keep going back to it. Not solving your problems, just burrying them and creating new ones.
I don't get it.

I've been to funerals for people who have lived their life for God.
And I've been to the funerals for people who have lived their lives for themselves. For their passions. For their jobs.
A life lived for ANYTHING other than God is pointless.
Who cares how much money you have in the bank.
Who cares where you went on vacation last summer.
Who cares how many marathons you ran.
Who cares how many friends you have.
Who cares how many people's lives you've affected.
Did you keep that money for yourself? Saving it for when YOU can use it?
Did your friends know that your passion in life was to live for God?
Did you affect people's lives for your passions or for your passion for teaching them about Christ?

This life here is not about you. And it's not about the people in your life.
This life is about one thing, and for one purpose.
To bring glory to God.

Who cares what you get out of it. It's not about you.

So I had an OB flashback today...

I was remembering the last day of BNYC. How we'd all planned to have breakfast at the mess hall together at 7. At 7:20, I woke up to my phone ringing. I was so sad that I'd slept through my alarm. So I was already crying, before we even started saying goodbyes. I quickly got dressed and ran to where we were all meeting up. And we just sat outside talking and talking. Then people had to leave, so we all started crying. Then it was just us California kids left. We played ping pong and stuff in the rec room. Then my mom came. She brought Ali with her to pick me up. I was fine for the ride home. Then I got home, and walked into my room.. And I'd never felt so alone in my entire life. I just instantly started crying. I missed everybody so badly, even though I'd just seen them all just hours earlier. I'd got 7 weeks with never being alone. Always having somebody - most of the time 36 somebodies - around me at all times. And it was like... I suddenly realized what they'd talked about during debriefing. That being back in the "real world" wasn't going to be as easy as the last 7 weeks had been. And boy were they right.

Anyways, that's not what gave me the flashback, and that's not what I was going for.

We went to Big Bear with our College Group from church. And the weekend.. It was just a really, really good weekend. Tom Licata talked a lot about strengthening your relationship with Christ and what to do to keep it going. And it was just some great talks. And he totally reminded me about one of my old habits! About reading a chapter of Proverbs a day! I forgot how much I loved it. And then besides Tom's lessons.. It was just a great group of people to be with. It reminded me of when a bunch of us went to 6th Flags, and there was absolutely no drama whatsoever. It was the perfect group to be with. Everyone was about having fun and just being with each other. It didn't matter if we didn't get on what rides we wanted to go on, it didn't matter if we had to share food.. It was just a healthy, fun time. And this weekend was like that, too. It was awesome. Just a bunch of us up in a cabin in Big Bear. Laughing, playing games, talking, heading into town.. It was awesome. I can't even explain it. And then, on Monday, I really realized what a great weekend it was. And I suddenly... I missed everyone. Like, majorly. I didn't cry. But I just realized that I really missed everyone we were with. And I'm not the only one who felt that way! It was so crazy. Bethany, Chris, Phill.. It was just weird. We all clicked the right way. Ugh, yes. It was amazing.

Mmmmmmm God is good. God is great. God is amazing.

American Band - Kristen Laine

I love reading.
I am a fast reader.
I am fast, and I comprehend it all.
I can talk about the things I read and not stop.
I dominated the Twilight books in under eight hours each.
And I can talk non-stop about them.

But this book.
It is taking me forever to read.
It's taken me almost a month.
I'm only 270 pages into the book, and there's 303 in the book.
This darn book has made me smile, laugh, and cry. Yes, cry. Full on bawl!
And I can't get through it!
Everybody who loved being in marching band should read this book.
Seriously.
It's just taking me forever to read, and it's driving me crazy.

I almost think it's because I don't want the story to end.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.



I'm not even emo or depressed or sad, and that song still gives me such hope. You could call it an "insta-grin".
It's one of those songs that I can never skip over when it plays on my iPod or CD.

"You raise me up. To more than I can be."
Not just to what I am, or what I might be. You raise me up to more, MORE, than I can be. Like, what my wildest expectations of what I want to do with my life, what my highest goals in school and work... I can totally picture God up there just "You think that's what you're capable of? Oh.. Just you wait." How exciting is that?

Even for silly things. Ignoring school and work.... If I think I'm an extremely fast texter... Oh, I can be faster and more accurate. Or if I think that I can't survive a week without Chipotle, I know that if He wants me to, I can never eat Chipotle again.

And I know, that if I say my car is the biggest piece of crap possible, and that it can't possibly be any less reliable... Oh, but it can. However, I also have the thought, that it can get better! I mean, I'm lucky. My best friend is a car wiz. So I'm able to get things fixed without having to pay an arm and a leg, just an arm. And my car's always gotten me to and from wherever I needed to go, even if it took a little longer than expected. And it's always kept me company.. In the seven times I've locked my keys in my car. I think my car thinks it has a sense of humor. My car thinks it's funny. "haha, she's gonna lock her keys in her car, and guess what! Her AAA card will be locked in the car too!" or how bout "She's already running late, so why not have her get pulled over for speeding." or "Let's have her get her brakes replaced, but, only the brake pads will be in stock, the rotors will be misboxed and will have to be reshipped from the manufacturer". Oh car, you have a cruel sense of humor. I promise I'll stop swearing at you, if you just give me peace for... 6 months. I'll get your oil changed on time, and I won't let you run out of gas (on my same street as my house... on the way to the gas station)...


Wow. I started with a hymn, and ended with cursing my car. Hah. Go figure.

Lights Out

I remember when I was little, and the excited that would spread throughout the neighborhood during a blackout. The three family’s on our end of the block with kids would play hide and seek – where home base was the big palm tree between Brandon’s house and Mr. Ray and Miss Barabara’s house. Count to 60 then find everyone else. We’d played hide and seek a lot, but for some reason, I have this vivid memory of a black out time. And how excited we all were. I remember moving the PlaySkool toy in Matt and Becca’s backyard closer to the fence next to Brandon and Kevin’s house, so that we could jump the fence. Then opening the gate and booking it down the street.



I enjoy blackouts. The last time we had a good black out, it was at night and we were all home. It was so cool. Because it actually let our family had time to hang out together. No TV. No computers. No phone calls. No lights. We busted out the camping lights and did puzzles. I think family’s these days would be a lot happier if we had a weekly evening blackout. Force the family to be together. It’d be good for everyone.