A woman of what?

I am a woman of Christ.

I am a woman of laughter.

I am a woman of love.

And recently, I've become a woman of frustration.

Boy, do I not like that.

I've been getting frustrated with myself, with friends, with coworkers, with family, with boys.. And dare I say it.. Frustrated with God.

Actually, maybe I've had moments of impatience with God.

Definite moments of tapping my foot at God.

I don't like saying I've been frustrated with God.

Ugh, I am not proud of that.

Can I use the excuse "I'm human, I sin"? Sure, I can use it as the opening of a sentence.. As long as it concludes with ".. but I am not okay with that and I need to get that attitude out of here".

Being a Christian is recognizing that sin is a part of this world, but a big part of being a believer is striving to remove it from our lives, and to not be okay with it. You can't ever be satisfied with the sin you find in your life.

John Owen said, "Know the associates that Satan holds in your heart". I'm recognizing this hold he has on me (these moments of "I know better than God"), and I'm determine to make them less and less frequent in an effort to destroy it completely.

I'm fully aware that that's easier said than done. But, boy, am I going to work on it.

I've decided that in order to not be a "woman of frustration", I need to decide what type of a woman I'm going to be. 

By default, my instinct was to go to Proverbs 31. Every godly woman that I know strives to be a Proverbs 31 woman. In my Bible, verses 10-31 are titled "A Woman Who Fears the Lord".

A woman of fear.

Doesn't that sound lovely? Hah. We tend to associate fear with dark rooms, haunted houses, and spiders. 

But this fear is different. 

A fear of the Lord is a sign of wisdom (according to Proverbs 9:10), and Proverbs 1:7 says that a fool despises wisdom. I don't want to be a fool.

It's a fear of recognizing what I deserve, and realizing that He has all the power over that.. But that I'm trusting He'll keep His promise to me.

A woman of fear and wisdom.

Not a bad thing to strive for.

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God is good. All the time.

Not just sometimes.

All the time.

That's so mind boggling to me. To be good all the time.

I can try and be good sometimes. But then I'll roll my eyes. Or think a not so nice thought about the guy that cut me off on the freeway. Maybe I'll even swear at someone. And there goes my attempt at being good ALL the time.

I don't think it's a bad thing to strive to be good all the time. But to be good compared to whose standards?

Good compared to the world? Well heck, if I compare myself to some people of the world, I think I could say I'm doing pretty good. I don't get drunk on the weekend. I haven't killed anyone. I go to church every Sunday. I've never smoked a cigarette.

But everyone can find someone that they're better than. It's really not that hard. But your life isn't supposed to be about making yourself feel better when you compare yourself to your best friend or sister. It's not even about making yourself better when you compare yourself about who you used to be.

How are you doing compared to Christ? As Christians, we're called to be like Christ.

You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Matthew 5:48

Be imitators of me, as I am Christ.

1 Corinthians 11:1

You shouldn't be comparing yourself to the people that were able to go down to Japan to help after the earthquake, or compare yourself to your friend that is away at Bible school. Just because that was in God's plan for them doesn't mean that your current path of going to Community College and working is any less important or any less displeasing to God. It's not about them. It's about Christ - isn't that all it should ever be about? That's the relationship and comparison that you should be striving to strengthen and draw nearer to - you and Christ.

Anyways.. Just a little something that's been on my mind recently.. that I'm writing down more for my benefit than for anyone else's when I start struggling with this as talks of the future, school, and missions trips start to arise...

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Untitled

There's a relationship that only certain people get to experience in life.

This relationship, is the relationship between stand partners.

What's a stand partner?

A stand partner is the person that, as a musician, you share a music stand with. Most of the time, you share the same sheet of music. You sit next to each other, rehearsal after rehearsal. Day after day. And, if you're lucky like me, year after year.

My first stand partner was Nancy.

We both started playing the flute in fifth grade. We played together from fifth grade through twelfth grade. The only times that we were not stand partners was when I was on oboe, or when we were playing different flute parts. Seriously, from fifth grade until twelfth. If you think about it, that's at LEAST two concerts a year for eight years (add an additional concert/festival for seventh grade through twelfth, except for one year). Two years of marching next to each other for every field show for ninth and tenth grade (then she became the amazing drum major and I switched to pit). Plus marching next to each other for parades our ninth and tenth grade years. And sitting next to each other for football games. Plus performances at assemblies, open houses, memorials, and graduations.. PLUS, for fifth and sixth grade, we had two one-hour rehearsals each week for fifth and sixth grade, and then five one-hour rehearsals a week from seventh through twelfth grade.. And then add night rehearsals in high school and sectionals.. PLUS, we shared a marimba for drumline our senior year of high school, so that's even more hours.

Basically.. We've spent a lot of time together.

Seriously. If you look at pretty much every single concert video, every single concert picture that her parents have taken.. You'll see me in the background. I think it's really entertaining. There's always the redhead in the background.

Anyways, there's just something that stand partners share. I know some stand partners were competitive with each other. Some probably even hated each other. Nancy and me? It just worked. Nancy was always first chair, I was always second. And I was beyond okay with that. So there was never a competition, it was always just a genuine love for the music and the fact that we could groan and complain about the same complicated measure. She was always so natural and amazing at playing anything and everything, that I think wanting to be like her pushed me more than any grade or lecture ever could.

After spending so many hours, days, and years playing together, our friendship is more than just musically based. Over all the years, we also had real classes together. And we'd talk about real things, real life. Life outside of our wonderful world of bandos.

Since we've graduated from high school, we've seen each other regularly when she'd come home from school (oh yes, p.s. my talented stand partner is also incredibly gifted academically, and went to Harvard). And even though she is WAY smarter than me, we've always been able to get together for dinner or a drive, and just talk and talk and talk.

And we got to do that tonight. She's home from Harvard (actually, GRADUATED!). And we got together and talked. For four hours straight. I really don't think there was more than 10 seconds of silence. And it was just so awesome to be able to think about all the time we've spent together. And how we can still find stuff to talk about, after twelve years of friendship, and being from two totally and completely separate roads of life!

Anyways, for those of you who didn't get to experience the bond between stand partners.. I hope you have something you can compare it to. I will forever be grateful for my stand partner and friend :)

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I think it is physically impossible..

For me to type up a short blog post.

Of the things that God has blessed me with.. The gift of "short and sweet and to the point" is so not one of them.

And if you've spent any amount of time with me.

You can attest to that.

I read quite a few blogs and I always love how in 4 sentences they can post the perfect post.

I, on the other hand, post a 4 PAGE post.. And all I want to do is go back through and edit it  or delete it all together.

But, I don't.

I hate deleting things.

I'm a hoarder.

A digital hoarder, apparently.

But, I am going to end this blog post with saying..

I love that it's summer. Friends are home. People want to do stuff all the time. The sun is coming. Resolved is a month away (!!!!!). And I feel the love of my Savior everywhere.

And.. I haven't mentioned this before.. But.. I just want to say..

I love having my best friend back.

P.S. Hey look, a short-ish post :)

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My ridiculously talented neighbors.

I've developed  a new hobby.

And I love it.

No, it's not a hobby for fishing. It's not a hobby involving playing a game. It's not a hobby for stalking celebrities.

It's hobby of watching people do what they love.

I think it's actually a rekindling of an old hobby.

I used to LOVE it - watching Catie play water polo, watching Carrie play basketball, watching Cory perform at a concert, watching Craig play in competition, watching Mae, Michelle, and Steph do guard stuff.. I loved it.

And it's been awhile since I've been able to do that.

Until recently.

My neigbors are ridiculously talented.

I have lived in the same house my entire life. And during this entire time, three doors down, has been this amazing family. Dad, Mom, Son, and Daughter. Bob, Carol, Matt, and Becca.

With us kids, it worked out great, because when you throw Matt and Becca in with Selah, Jenna, and me, we're all only about a year or two a part - it goes Selah, Matt, me, Becca, than Jenna - so we all always had someone to play with.

An extremely large percentage of the stories involving anything between the time of birth until junior high involve this family. And there's a less percentage as we've all gotten older, but they're still there.

When we were younger..

Disneyland. The beach. Wild Rivers. Mary Kate and Ashley movies. Playing video games. Trips to Palm Springs. 4th of July. New Years Eve. Thanksgiving. Christmas afternoon catch up. Matt's baseball games. Birthday parties. Swimming in our pool. Being baby sat by Amber across the street. Walking to Taco Bell. Climbing in the apricot tree. Dressing as twins. Synchronized swimming in the pool. Playing house.

And now as we're older..

Talking about school. Talking about life. Talking about God. Talking about music. Talking about boys. Talking about girls. Going for walks. Going for drives. Catching up for hours and hours and hours. Thanksgiving (still!). Disneyland (still!).

It's been fun to watch our friendships go from being friends because we lived close together and since we couldn't drive, it was either us or no one.. To actually being friends because we like each other, and get along.

There's been times over the years, where we'll go months and months and months without seeing each other.. And then sometimes we'll see each other every week or so - it really just depends on our schedules.

But recently, Matt and Becca have shown me these amazing talents that they have. They are musicians. And very gifted musicians at that!

I've known about Matt's music for a few years now.. I even have a couple of songs on my iPod that he probably wishes I didn't have.. And I remember when he first started getting into music, all I really kept thinking was "Matt loves video games. He's not a musician." and boy has he proven me wrong!

And Becca.. Well.. I have this vivid memory that took place at one of her birthday parties YEARS ago. We were playing a game, and all of us guests were supposed to guess answers to questions about Becca. And I remember that the answer to "What does Becca want to be when she grows up?" was most definitely "a singer". So I think it's always been in her blood - but never did I imagine she'd be as amazing as she is.

I absolutely LOVE watching Matt and Becca perform. Matt's been performing longer than Becca, but they're both amazing up there behind the microphone.

Oh, and for the record, they don't just perform covers. They perform their own music. Which is always something that is so hard for me to comprehend (give me sheet music, and I can play it, no problem. But give me a blank sheet of paper with no words or filled in staffs.. And it will remain that way.. Except maybe a few doodles..). Their covers are freaking amazing, too. But their original music is so awesome, I can't explain it.

I just love watching these two people (siblings of mine, really) use these gifts to get up there and perform and share their abilities with other people. I don't know if I could ever do that. But they can and do, and I love it!

Anyways, I love those two (and their parents) and I love what they're sharing with the rest of us these days :)

And I love watching people I love.. Doing what they love.. So that other people can love it, too!

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Jealousy, contentment, thriving, and some rambles.. :)

I've learned recently that there are two different types of jealousy.

There's the type of jealousy where it's purely selfish. You see someone, and all you can think of is "I really want that purse" or "I would look so much better with that jacket than her". There's nothing attractive about that. It's a typical "me, me, me" attitude. Not cute.

Then, there's this other type of jealousy. And I can't figure out if jealousy is the right word.. But it's a jealousy when you hear something about them, and you're jealous.. But for a good reason. And in the midst of your jealousy, you're so stinking excited for them! You don't want them to not experience/have whatever it is you're jealous about.. But you do wish that you could experience it along with them.

Maybe I should give an example.

I've had this same scenario play out with a bunch of my friends in the last few months. A friend is going on a missions trip. They're going somewhere else, outside of their home, city, or country, and they are going with the purpose of helping others, showing them Christ's love, and just fully dedicating every ounce of their being to the Lord for a certain (or uncertain) amount of time. And when I hear this, my response is typically "I am jealous of you in the best way possible". 

Now, I don't think I've ever thought the thought "Ugh, I wish that was me instead of them". I'm always just full of happiness and excitement for them (and promises of prayers for safety and opportunities flow from my lips), and then I think about how badly I would LOVE to be able to just drop everything I have going for me here in comfortable, routine, Orange County, California.. And just go.

Go. Go. Go.

Not go on vacation (even though I did just go on vacation and it was amazing).. But go somewhere, anywhere, and just talk with people, get to know them, share God's love with them, and see where that takes them and where it takes me.

Now, I know that jealousy is not a good thing, but, I think I've decided that I'm kinda okay with the second jealousy, because it's kinda encouraging to the other person, and also kinda a motivation for me.

On the vacation I just went on, I got to spend a few days with just my grandparents in Tennesse (my mom's parents). We spent hours just talking about life and Jesus. And it was ridiculously encouraging and just an amazing time all the way around. I can't remember how many times throughout our few short days together that I pretty much just sat there, hands in the air saying "I don't know what God wants me to do. I don't know where He wants me to be going. I don't know what He wants me to be focused on. But I'm ready. And He knows I'm ready. And just in case He doesn't know.. This is me telling Him - I am ready!" 

I've been trying really hard to not have an attitude of being content with just "floating" right now. I'm at a spot in my life where I should be quite happy. I have a job that I love.. But.. I really don't think it's something that I'll make a career out of. Don't get me wrong, I love the people, but I don't get excited about working with computers. If anything, I love the fact that I spend every day helping people (even if I moan and groan sometimes).. And I'm in school, learning stuff.. But I'm really bored with it. I don't get excited about math. I don't care about geography. I tend to sit there thinking "anything that I don't know now.. Well, that's what I have Google for." And I just feel like I'm wasting my time sitting in a class learning things that I really don't care about. I want to be learning about Christ. I want to be out there, talking to people and sharing what I'm learning.. I have way, way, way more conversations about Christ and what He's doing in my life and in the lives of others than I do about who fought what battle in the Civil War and why 2 + 2 = 4.. I try to take "interest classes" to help spark an interest in what my major should be.. But I find so much more joy in pulling out a book I got from the Christian Book Store and reading that than listening to a teacher talk about something.. It's just so boring. If I'm filling my head with something, I want it to be good, Biblical stuff.

Don't get me wrong, I am content with life - actually, I love life! And I know there are people that are far worse out there than me - that might look at my life saying that they wish their only problem was not knowing their major, that I should be happy with just a job, a roof over my head, and family and friends that love me. And I am happy - I know that I am extremely blessed, and I try my hardest not to take it for granted. But I don't want to just be "happy" or "content". Because being content can oh-so-easily turn into complacency. And I know that this life I'm living isn't because of me.. It's because of Him. And I want that to remain my focus.

Jon Foreman (from Switchfoot) has this song out there.. It's not on any of his CDs (yet), and you can't buy it on iTunes. It is on Youtube though (click here!).. And there's this one line from the song that resonates in me.. "I want to thrive, not just survive".

I want to thrive. Not just survive.

And I don't want to thrive by THIS world's standards. I want to thrive by HIS. Because that is all that matters.

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The journey continues...

After some very relaxing days, it is time to really head for home.  Due to the extreme flooding along the Mississippi, we are changing (slightly) our route.  Leaving Nashville in the morning (temperatures in the 80's are being expected) and aiming for Greenville, Mississippi by late afternoon.

The highlights from Nashville include touring my folks' church (World Outreach in Murfreesboro, Tennessee), playing with their Segways, seeing a flock (7 is a flock, right?) of wild turkeys in the backyard, and having lunch with my friend from International Travel. (Best "Band Travel Trip Planner" ever!).  Of course, visiting with parents is really the best!

Off to start packing the bags again.  Follow us tomorrow!

Kerri
- Sent from my Android phone

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