I'm so blessed with the friends that I have in my life.
I'm not a perfect friend.
And my friends aren't perfect either.
But goodness, I'm so glad that I have the friendships, the imperfect friendships, that I do.
We laugh, we love, we fight, we talk, we walk, we text, we cry, we play, we watch, we go through phases..
And I love it. Because in the end, it just makes us closer.

I'm okay with not being close to the people I used to be close with. I have the people in my life that I need. Actually, I don't need them. I don't need anybody. God created us to interact and love others here, but as long as I have my God.. That's all I need. I'm not going to be the one who's life crumbles from a friendship dwindling to a close, or a relationship that has seen it's last kiss. I'm not that person. I've been that person, but I'm not that person anymore. And I'm glad. I've never considered myself strong or independent. But I really am.

Haha I'm not even going through a break up or anything right now. I don't know why this all came out. Lol.

But I am learning I do have a tendency to get jealous. Haha. And I try very hard to hold it in and not let it be known. But boy, do I have to bite my freaking tongue. Or fingers. Or whatever. It's really entertaining. It's weird. Haha But it's a sign that I care for people. Which I've never doubted. And probably never will. But it's a more dominate feeling sometimes, so it's almost like, a physical feeling of caring. It's hard to explain. But it's okay. Lol

One Tree Hill. A new addiction.

My wrist has been killing me for about a week now. I blame Broomball. But it was so worth it. lol

And finally getting the surprise that I've been waiting for for two months was so worth it. Oh my amazing friends <3

I'm not a Christmas person

And it's not cuz of "how the true meaning of Christmas has been lost" or because people who call themselves "Christians" crawl out of the woodwork and decide they should go to church (they'll go back at Easter, too). Although that is all true, that's not what makes me "not a Christmas person". I've come to the realization that there are three reasons as to why I'm not one to get into the Christmas spirit.

1) I have been in band since I was in 5th grade. That's ten years. And I love it, don't get me wrong. But bands in general get to play whatever they want. Whatever field show they want, whatever parade songs they want, whatever songs they want for their Spring concert, or if they have some summer performances.. But every. single. band has one "required" type of concert - a "Holiday" concert. Every band starts playing Christmas/Jewish/Holidayish songs come winter. When you were in high school, it normally wasn't until Thanksgiving, as field season was drawing to a close and it was getting close to winter break. Every school was busting out some Christmas songs for their concert and maybe a song or two (holiday themed, of course) for a parade. And right now, I'm in a community band. That has been playing Christmas songs since September. Yes, September. I've had Jingle Bells, Silent Night, Din! Dong! Merrily on High, Oh Christmas Tree, and all of the normal songs, stuck in my head since then. And by the end of the about 15th minute of that first rehearsal in September, I am over the Christmas music. Yet here we are, three months later, still playing the same music. If Christmas were in those first 15 min of the first Tuesday of September, I'd be a huge holiday person. But it's not, so... The music now just puts me in a blah mood and I'm over the holiday season.

2) I stress out. Over presents. Not over whether I get what I want (I rarely actually have something on my "list". Normally I just want gift cards to Barnes and Noble. Last year I wanted one thing: a new chain for my necklace because it broke during tour season. And I didn't get it. And I was crushed. And I didn't get it for my birthday either. And I cried. (I did get it a few months later..) This year on my list I had a curling stick and the Wizard of Oz on DVD, and I got them both and I'm beyond thrilled). But over what to get others. And not over how much to spend - I don't care. But.. Over what to get people. I'm not creative at all, so coming up with actual presents is a challenge. Then I'll come up with a good present for ONE person, but I feel guilty about not coming up with something for anyone else, so I end up not even getting the ONE gift. I stress and stress and stress. I know everyone will "love" whatever present I get them, but I want to be the one to get them "the" present, the perfect present, so I hate settling... That's another reason I'm not the yuletide's season's biggest fan.

3) And I just recently realized this reason the past few weeks while talking to Phill one night. Like, I was just talking about how I'm not excited about this season.. And I realized I haven't ALWAYS felt so negative about it. It wasn't until high school - my Junior year to be specific. It brings back all of those memories of that December. And so now every December, that's what pops into my mind. It probably doesn't even go through his mind anymore. I can guarantee it doesn't even cross hers at all. But it's always so vivid in my mind. And I'll forget about it most of the rest of the year.. Until someone mentions a few key words... But December hits, actually, December 2 hits, and it becomes the strongest thought in my head. Constantly. That's why I'm not a Christmas fan.

And I'm not a Scrooge, deep down. Other people get excited about it, and that's cool. I really have no desire to impose my blah feelings towards it. But whenever everyone else is like "omg shopping!" and "oh my goodness, let's go look at Christmas lights!" and "I can't wait for our Christmas party!" and "I love this music!".. I won't say anything, and I still get those looks of like "Uh, you're not excited..." and so I say "Meh, I'm just not a big Christmas person" and then I get the lectures and the "name calling" and I get them just talking and talking and talking and trying to like, convince me to become a Christmas person. Maybe it will happen one day. But seriously, I can be very stubborn, and the more someone tries to push me towards something, the more I pull away. So.. Please don't. Let me get excited about Christmas on my own.

I do love the real meaning of Christmas though. I'm so thankful that Jesus was born. And I'm in awe at Mary and Joseph and their faith and confidence that God knew what He was doing. I can't imagine being in their situation. But I'm so glad it went down the way it did. And that God is an amazing God. And that this day represents an amazing miracle that happened thousands of years ago. It was life and world changing. Gosh, God is incredible.

If you're a big Christmas person, I hope that you had an amazing day and holiday season. And if you're not, then I hope you've found at least one reason to smile today.

Jesus is the reason for the season, and I don't care what you say, it's true :)

Left Behind

Forgive any spelling catastrophes in this post... I'm using my work phone, which is currently a touch screen, so it's weird for me to type.. I miss my Blackberry.. lol

I'm in the midst of rereading one of my favorite book series. I think I was the only 9 year old excited, counting down the days for the next book to come out. I remember when The Indwelling came out, I came home from school so excited, cuz I knew my mom had bought it for me. And there it was, sitrimg on the table. I saw it, squealed, threw my backpack on the ground, ran down the hall, and saw that thecover page said "Assassins", which has been the previous book - that I had read months before. Confused, I started reading, and sure it enough, it was Assassins! What was Assassins doing in The Indwelling cover sleeve? I ran down the hall to see my dad reading "Assassins" (according to the sleeve) ans found out that my parents are total punks. Lol. I was so excited for that next book in the Left Behind series. And I was excited for every single book that came out. I read the adult books, the kid versions of the books, leftbehind.com was the first web forum I was ever apart of, and I had dramatized audio versions of the first 5 adult books and 10 kid books. Oh, and how excited I was when the movie came out!t Goodness. Those books were my first obsession with a series...

Anyways, so I'm rereading them right now, and everytime I read The Mark (the 8th book), I know what's coming. I dread it. I contemplate skipping the whole second half of the book. Reading this story about Christians being killed, by a guillotine, for not denying their faith. I cry. Everytime. Sometimes when Mrs Miklos and the other Greek Christians are executed. Or any of the countless others (hah! And the Antichrist thought the guillotines would never be used, that their mere presence would be enough to scare everyon into taking the mark of the Beast)... But I always cry when Chloe dies. And I just finished reading for the night, and I don't want to open the book tomorrow, cuz I know she dies in the next chapter...

To die a martyr, would be the best way to die. I think it's amazing. What a testimony. People say they'd take a bullet dor those that they love. I'd take one for God. Cuz who can I love more, and who could love me more? It's incomprehensible - that love. And I am so thankful. And so beyond undeserving. But so grateful for the grace and mercy He's shown me. I deserve the guillotine, and oh so much more. But it's all about what, WHO, you're living for. And any life that's worth living is only serving One Person. Anyone's life focused on something other than God is not a life at all, merely a presence taking for granted this crazy thing called life that He's given us. Heaven or Hell? If you're not doing something for God's glory, you're doing it for Satan's pleasure. It's that simple. Scary, but so real.

I don't care if people remember I'm a redhead. Or that I laugh a lot. Or that I tell stories with no purpose. Or that I can play a few songs on a few instruments. Or that I'm a good shoulder to cry on. Or that I have a ridiculous case of the hiccups... I want to be remembered as someone who loved God, and did it all - all of those silly things above - that I did it all to bring glory to God. To honor the One who blessed me enough to be able to do all those things.

Wow. That was a tangent. All true. Totally unexpected. Don't know where it came from, but I'm okay with that :)

Random:
It worries me that my school group is all about to turn 21. I wish my church friends were about to, too. I want healthy 21st birthdays to go to, not alcohol induced coma type parties...

I'm really excited to be leaving for the Philippines in less than a month! Ahhhh! So much to do before then! God is in control. Two weeks of God, family, and exploring the beautiful country. It will be amazing, I'm sure!

You're all in my prayers tonight.

Journal

So I'm in the midst of housesitting right now. And I'm in Rancho Santa Margarita. It's far away from everyone. But.. It's kind of okay. It's far enough that I get time to be alone, but close enough that people will make the trek out here. And Irvine is halfway inbetween. Like, I'm a socialable person, most people can attest to that. But sometimes, it's nice to be away. It's like I'm on vacation, even though I have to go to work and school. I don't mind it.

Although all week long, all I've wanted was my journal. I meant to grab it from home when I went for Thanksgiving, and I totally forgot. I've had some weird feelings and thoughts lately. Not weird. More like.. I don't know. I miss my daily personal journal. I can tell you what was going on almost every day my Senior year. And I wish I could reread what's gone on everyday of this past year. I wish I could go through and read about how much I've grown. How my spiritual walk has changed dramatically in a great way. How my thoughts towards certain people have changed. How my motivations have changed. How the people that used to make me laugh now make me roll my eyes. Just little things like that. I have to think about it, and I know some of the things are foggy. Hah. Makes me wish I was a vampire. Not like in a weird way.. But cuz they have impeccable memories. They can remember everything that's happened (since becoming a vampire).. And I wish I could do that.

I'm so thankful for my friends these days. And for my family.

I'm going to the Philippines for two weeks in a little over a month. I am so beyond excited. I'm so grateful for a job that will let me have the time off.

God is faithful. All the time.

It makes me so sad

It breaks my heart when I drive past certain churches on Sunday mornings. When I see the hundreds of people standing outside the doors, wanting to get inside. I want to grab them, and shake them at the shoulders "This is not where you should be going! What's in there is not what's going to get you to heaven!" And they think they are! They don't realize that everything that has been pumped into their mind and heart, that some of them have poured their lives to, isn't going to get them where they think it's going. They're going to hell, it's as simple as that. It kills me when I hear a Chris Tomlin or Michael W. Smith song pouring onto the streets. They wrote that music to praise God, to bring glory to Him. They are strong, Christian, God fearing men.. And their music is being sung and lifted up by people who don't believe the Truth. They think they know the Truth, but they don't. They've been brought up in their faith the same way I have. Some have gone on missions trips. Some have gone to colleges for their faith.... And it makes me so sad. Sad that they're learning more and more things that will drive them closer to the god they think is God, and the lifestyles and habits their faith believes in... But it's driving them further and further away from God and heaven. And if you're not going towards God and heaven, you're moving away. Even "standing still" is moving away, because if you're not growing in your faith, you're shrinking. And think of all the mission trips and conferences that get people to come to "Christ"... These people who are "lost" and are looking for God.. Are being lead to the wrong place. Like cattle being herded to the slaughter house. They don't realize where they're headed until it's too late. They're already dead. And they're already in hell.

It's just sad. But makes me so grateful for the parents I have that raised me to grow up to have the relationship that I have with God. And that I know what my life is for.

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) - Chris Tomlin

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) - Chris Tomlin
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures



I don't know how people survive in this world without having God to rely on.
Not "a god". Not "their god". Not "someone higher than them".
God.
My God. Your God. The only God.
I've seen people struggle and try to get through things on their own.
And I've seen them turn to their friends, to alcohol, to work, to sex.
And then I've seen people turn to God.
And I've seen the end results of both.
When you turn to alcohol, you just keep going back to it. Not solving your problems, just burrying them and creating new ones.
I don't get it.

I've been to funerals for people who have lived their life for God.
And I've been to the funerals for people who have lived their lives for themselves. For their passions. For their jobs.
A life lived for ANYTHING other than God is pointless.
Who cares how much money you have in the bank.
Who cares where you went on vacation last summer.
Who cares how many marathons you ran.
Who cares how many friends you have.
Who cares how many people's lives you've affected.
Did you keep that money for yourself? Saving it for when YOU can use it?
Did your friends know that your passion in life was to live for God?
Did you affect people's lives for your passions or for your passion for teaching them about Christ?

This life here is not about you. And it's not about the people in your life.
This life is about one thing, and for one purpose.
To bring glory to God.

Who cares what you get out of it. It's not about you.

So I had an OB flashback today...

I was remembering the last day of BNYC. How we'd all planned to have breakfast at the mess hall together at 7. At 7:20, I woke up to my phone ringing. I was so sad that I'd slept through my alarm. So I was already crying, before we even started saying goodbyes. I quickly got dressed and ran to where we were all meeting up. And we just sat outside talking and talking. Then people had to leave, so we all started crying. Then it was just us California kids left. We played ping pong and stuff in the rec room. Then my mom came. She brought Ali with her to pick me up. I was fine for the ride home. Then I got home, and walked into my room.. And I'd never felt so alone in my entire life. I just instantly started crying. I missed everybody so badly, even though I'd just seen them all just hours earlier. I'd got 7 weeks with never being alone. Always having somebody - most of the time 36 somebodies - around me at all times. And it was like... I suddenly realized what they'd talked about during debriefing. That being back in the "real world" wasn't going to be as easy as the last 7 weeks had been. And boy were they right.

Anyways, that's not what gave me the flashback, and that's not what I was going for.

We went to Big Bear with our College Group from church. And the weekend.. It was just a really, really good weekend. Tom Licata talked a lot about strengthening your relationship with Christ and what to do to keep it going. And it was just some great talks. And he totally reminded me about one of my old habits! About reading a chapter of Proverbs a day! I forgot how much I loved it. And then besides Tom's lessons.. It was just a great group of people to be with. It reminded me of when a bunch of us went to 6th Flags, and there was absolutely no drama whatsoever. It was the perfect group to be with. Everyone was about having fun and just being with each other. It didn't matter if we didn't get on what rides we wanted to go on, it didn't matter if we had to share food.. It was just a healthy, fun time. And this weekend was like that, too. It was awesome. Just a bunch of us up in a cabin in Big Bear. Laughing, playing games, talking, heading into town.. It was awesome. I can't even explain it. And then, on Monday, I really realized what a great weekend it was. And I suddenly... I missed everyone. Like, majorly. I didn't cry. But I just realized that I really missed everyone we were with. And I'm not the only one who felt that way! It was so crazy. Bethany, Chris, Phill.. It was just weird. We all clicked the right way. Ugh, yes. It was amazing.

Mmmmmmm God is good. God is great. God is amazing.

American Band - Kristen Laine

I love reading.
I am a fast reader.
I am fast, and I comprehend it all.
I can talk about the things I read and not stop.
I dominated the Twilight books in under eight hours each.
And I can talk non-stop about them.

But this book.
It is taking me forever to read.
It's taken me almost a month.
I'm only 270 pages into the book, and there's 303 in the book.
This darn book has made me smile, laugh, and cry. Yes, cry. Full on bawl!
And I can't get through it!
Everybody who loved being in marching band should read this book.
Seriously.
It's just taking me forever to read, and it's driving me crazy.

I almost think it's because I don't want the story to end.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.



I'm not even emo or depressed or sad, and that song still gives me such hope. You could call it an "insta-grin".
It's one of those songs that I can never skip over when it plays on my iPod or CD.

"You raise me up. To more than I can be."
Not just to what I am, or what I might be. You raise me up to more, MORE, than I can be. Like, what my wildest expectations of what I want to do with my life, what my highest goals in school and work... I can totally picture God up there just "You think that's what you're capable of? Oh.. Just you wait." How exciting is that?

Even for silly things. Ignoring school and work.... If I think I'm an extremely fast texter... Oh, I can be faster and more accurate. Or if I think that I can't survive a week without Chipotle, I know that if He wants me to, I can never eat Chipotle again.

And I know, that if I say my car is the biggest piece of crap possible, and that it can't possibly be any less reliable... Oh, but it can. However, I also have the thought, that it can get better! I mean, I'm lucky. My best friend is a car wiz. So I'm able to get things fixed without having to pay an arm and a leg, just an arm. And my car's always gotten me to and from wherever I needed to go, even if it took a little longer than expected. And it's always kept me company.. In the seven times I've locked my keys in my car. I think my car thinks it has a sense of humor. My car thinks it's funny. "haha, she's gonna lock her keys in her car, and guess what! Her AAA card will be locked in the car too!" or how bout "She's already running late, so why not have her get pulled over for speeding." or "Let's have her get her brakes replaced, but, only the brake pads will be in stock, the rotors will be misboxed and will have to be reshipped from the manufacturer". Oh car, you have a cruel sense of humor. I promise I'll stop swearing at you, if you just give me peace for... 6 months. I'll get your oil changed on time, and I won't let you run out of gas (on my same street as my house... on the way to the gas station)...


Wow. I started with a hymn, and ended with cursing my car. Hah. Go figure.