I'm so blessed with the friends that I have in my life.
I'm not a perfect friend.
And my friends aren't perfect either.
But goodness, I'm so glad that I have the friendships, the imperfect friendships, that I do.
We laugh, we love, we fight, we talk, we walk, we text, we cry, we play, we watch, we go through phases..
And I love it. Because in the end, it just makes us closer.
I'm okay with not being close to the people I used to be close with. I have the people in my life that I need. Actually, I don't need them. I don't need anybody. God created us to interact and love others here, but as long as I have my God.. That's all I need. I'm not going to be the one who's life crumbles from a friendship dwindling to a close, or a relationship that has seen it's last kiss. I'm not that person. I've been that person, but I'm not that person anymore. And I'm glad. I've never considered myself strong or independent. But I really am.
Haha I'm not even going through a break up or anything right now. I don't know why this all came out. Lol.
But I am learning I do have a tendency to get jealous. Haha. And I try very hard to hold it in and not let it be known. But boy, do I have to bite my freaking tongue. Or fingers. Or whatever. It's really entertaining. It's weird. Haha But it's a sign that I care for people. Which I've never doubted. And probably never will. But it's a more dominate feeling sometimes, so it's almost like, a physical feeling of caring. It's hard to explain. But it's okay. Lol
One Tree Hill. A new addiction.
My wrist has been killing me for about a week now. I blame Broomball. But it was so worth it. lol
And finally getting the surprise that I've been waiting for for two months was so worth it. Oh my amazing friends <3
Saturday, December 26, 2009
I'm not a Christmas person
And it's not cuz of "how the true meaning of Christmas has been lost" or because people who call themselves "Christians" crawl out of the woodwork and decide they should go to church (they'll go back at Easter, too). Although that is all true, that's not what makes me "not a Christmas person". I've come to the realization that there are three reasons as to why I'm not one to get into the Christmas spirit.
1) I have been in band since I was in 5th grade. That's ten years. And I love it, don't get me wrong. But bands in general get to play whatever they want. Whatever field show they want, whatever parade songs they want, whatever songs they want for their Spring concert, or if they have some summer performances.. But every. single. band has one "required" type of concert - a "Holiday" concert. Every band starts playing Christmas/Jewish/Holidayish songs come winter. When you were in high school, it normally wasn't until Thanksgiving, as field season was drawing to a close and it was getting close to winter break. Every school was busting out some Christmas songs for their concert and maybe a song or two (holiday themed, of course) for a parade. And right now, I'm in a community band. That has been playing Christmas songs since September. Yes, September. I've had Jingle Bells, Silent Night, Din! Dong! Merrily on High, Oh Christmas Tree, and all of the normal songs, stuck in my head since then. And by the end of the about 15th minute of that first rehearsal in September, I am over the Christmas music. Yet here we are, three months later, still playing the same music. If Christmas were in those first 15 min of the first Tuesday of September, I'd be a huge holiday person. But it's not, so... The music now just puts me in a blah mood and I'm over the holiday season.
2) I stress out. Over presents. Not over whether I get what I want (I rarely actually have something on my "list". Normally I just want gift cards to Barnes and Noble. Last year I wanted one thing: a new chain for my necklace because it broke during tour season. And I didn't get it. And I was crushed. And I didn't get it for my birthday either. And I cried. (I did get it a few months later..) This year on my list I had a curling stick and the Wizard of Oz on DVD, and I got them both and I'm beyond thrilled). But over what to get others. And not over how much to spend - I don't care. But.. Over what to get people. I'm not creative at all, so coming up with actual presents is a challenge. Then I'll come up with a good present for ONE person, but I feel guilty about not coming up with something for anyone else, so I end up not even getting the ONE gift. I stress and stress and stress. I know everyone will "love" whatever present I get them, but I want to be the one to get them "the" present, the perfect present, so I hate settling... That's another reason I'm not the yuletide's season's biggest fan.
3) And I just recently realized this reason the past few weeks while talking to Phill one night. Like, I was just talking about how I'm not excited about this season.. And I realized I haven't ALWAYS felt so negative about it. It wasn't until high school - my Junior year to be specific. It brings back all of those memories of that December. And so now every December, that's what pops into my mind. It probably doesn't even go through his mind anymore. I can guarantee it doesn't even cross hers at all. But it's always so vivid in my mind. And I'll forget about it most of the rest of the year.. Until someone mentions a few key words... But December hits, actually, December 2 hits, and it becomes the strongest thought in my head. Constantly. That's why I'm not a Christmas fan.
And I'm not a Scrooge, deep down. Other people get excited about it, and that's cool. I really have no desire to impose my blah feelings towards it. But whenever everyone else is like "omg shopping!" and "oh my goodness, let's go look at Christmas lights!" and "I can't wait for our Christmas party!" and "I love this music!".. I won't say anything, and I still get those looks of like "Uh, you're not excited..." and so I say "Meh, I'm just not a big Christmas person" and then I get the lectures and the "name calling" and I get them just talking and talking and talking and trying to like, convince me to become a Christmas person. Maybe it will happen one day. But seriously, I can be very stubborn, and the more someone tries to push me towards something, the more I pull away. So.. Please don't. Let me get excited about Christmas on my own.
I do love the real meaning of Christmas though. I'm so thankful that Jesus was born. And I'm in awe at Mary and Joseph and their faith and confidence that God knew what He was doing. I can't imagine being in their situation. But I'm so glad it went down the way it did. And that God is an amazing God. And that this day represents an amazing miracle that happened thousands of years ago. It was life and world changing. Gosh, God is incredible.
If you're a big Christmas person, I hope that you had an amazing day and holiday season. And if you're not, then I hope you've found at least one reason to smile today.
Jesus is the reason for the season, and I don't care what you say, it's true :)
1) I have been in band since I was in 5th grade. That's ten years. And I love it, don't get me wrong. But bands in general get to play whatever they want. Whatever field show they want, whatever parade songs they want, whatever songs they want for their Spring concert, or if they have some summer performances.. But every. single. band has one "required" type of concert - a "Holiday" concert. Every band starts playing Christmas/Jewish/Holidayish songs come winter. When you were in high school, it normally wasn't until Thanksgiving, as field season was drawing to a close and it was getting close to winter break. Every school was busting out some Christmas songs for their concert and maybe a song or two (holiday themed, of course) for a parade. And right now, I'm in a community band. That has been playing Christmas songs since September. Yes, September. I've had Jingle Bells, Silent Night, Din! Dong! Merrily on High, Oh Christmas Tree, and all of the normal songs, stuck in my head since then. And by the end of the about 15th minute of that first rehearsal in September, I am over the Christmas music. Yet here we are, three months later, still playing the same music. If Christmas were in those first 15 min of the first Tuesday of September, I'd be a huge holiday person. But it's not, so... The music now just puts me in a blah mood and I'm over the holiday season.
2) I stress out. Over presents. Not over whether I get what I want (I rarely actually have something on my "list". Normally I just want gift cards to Barnes and Noble. Last year I wanted one thing: a new chain for my necklace because it broke during tour season. And I didn't get it. And I was crushed. And I didn't get it for my birthday either. And I cried. (I did get it a few months later..) This year on my list I had a curling stick and the Wizard of Oz on DVD, and I got them both and I'm beyond thrilled). But over what to get others. And not over how much to spend - I don't care. But.. Over what to get people. I'm not creative at all, so coming up with actual presents is a challenge. Then I'll come up with a good present for ONE person, but I feel guilty about not coming up with something for anyone else, so I end up not even getting the ONE gift. I stress and stress and stress. I know everyone will "love" whatever present I get them, but I want to be the one to get them "the" present, the perfect present, so I hate settling... That's another reason I'm not the yuletide's season's biggest fan.
3) And I just recently realized this reason the past few weeks while talking to Phill one night. Like, I was just talking about how I'm not excited about this season.. And I realized I haven't ALWAYS felt so negative about it. It wasn't until high school - my Junior year to be specific. It brings back all of those memories of that December. And so now every December, that's what pops into my mind. It probably doesn't even go through his mind anymore. I can guarantee it doesn't even cross hers at all. But it's always so vivid in my mind. And I'll forget about it most of the rest of the year.. Until someone mentions a few key words... But December hits, actually, December 2 hits, and it becomes the strongest thought in my head. Constantly. That's why I'm not a Christmas fan.
And I'm not a Scrooge, deep down. Other people get excited about it, and that's cool. I really have no desire to impose my blah feelings towards it. But whenever everyone else is like "omg shopping!" and "oh my goodness, let's go look at Christmas lights!" and "I can't wait for our Christmas party!" and "I love this music!".. I won't say anything, and I still get those looks of like "Uh, you're not excited..." and so I say "Meh, I'm just not a big Christmas person" and then I get the lectures and the "name calling" and I get them just talking and talking and talking and trying to like, convince me to become a Christmas person. Maybe it will happen one day. But seriously, I can be very stubborn, and the more someone tries to push me towards something, the more I pull away. So.. Please don't. Let me get excited about Christmas on my own.
I do love the real meaning of Christmas though. I'm so thankful that Jesus was born. And I'm in awe at Mary and Joseph and their faith and confidence that God knew what He was doing. I can't imagine being in their situation. But I'm so glad it went down the way it did. And that God is an amazing God. And that this day represents an amazing miracle that happened thousands of years ago. It was life and world changing. Gosh, God is incredible.
If you're a big Christmas person, I hope that you had an amazing day and holiday season. And if you're not, then I hope you've found at least one reason to smile today.
Jesus is the reason for the season, and I don't care what you say, it's true :)
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Left Behind
Forgive any spelling catastrophes in this post... I'm using my work phone, which is currently a touch screen, so it's weird for me to type.. I miss my Blackberry.. lol
I'm in the midst of rereading one of my favorite book series. I think I was the only 9 year old excited, counting down the days for the next book to come out. I remember when The Indwelling came out, I came home from school so excited, cuz I knew my mom had bought it for me. And there it was, sitrimg on the table. I saw it, squealed, threw my backpack on the ground, ran down the hall, and saw that thecover page said "Assassins", which has been the previous book - that I had read months before. Confused, I started reading, and sure it enough, it was Assassins! What was Assassins doing in The Indwelling cover sleeve? I ran down the hall to see my dad reading "Assassins" (according to the sleeve) ans found out that my parents are total punks. Lol. I was so excited for that next book in the Left Behind series. And I was excited for every single book that came out. I read the adult books, the kid versions of the books, leftbehind.com was the first web forum I was ever apart of, and I had dramatized audio versions of the first 5 adult books and 10 kid books. Oh, and how excited I was when the movie came out!t Goodness. Those books were my first obsession with a series...
Anyways, so I'm rereading them right now, and everytime I read The Mark (the 8th book), I know what's coming. I dread it. I contemplate skipping the whole second half of the book. Reading this story about Christians being killed, by a guillotine, for not denying their faith. I cry. Everytime. Sometimes when Mrs Miklos and the other Greek Christians are executed. Or any of the countless others (hah! And the Antichrist thought the guillotines would never be used, that their mere presence would be enough to scare everyon into taking the mark of the Beast)... But I always cry when Chloe dies. And I just finished reading for the night, and I don't want to open the book tomorrow, cuz I know she dies in the next chapter...
To die a martyr, would be the best way to die. I think it's amazing. What a testimony. People say they'd take a bullet dor those that they love. I'd take one for God. Cuz who can I love more, and who could love me more? It's incomprehensible - that love. And I am so thankful. And so beyond undeserving. But so grateful for the grace and mercy He's shown me. I deserve the guillotine, and oh so much more. But it's all about what, WHO, you're living for. And any life that's worth living is only serving One Person. Anyone's life focused on something other than God is not a life at all, merely a presence taking for granted this crazy thing called life that He's given us. Heaven or Hell? If you're not doing something for God's glory, you're doing it for Satan's pleasure. It's that simple. Scary, but so real.
I don't care if people remember I'm a redhead. Or that I laugh a lot. Or that I tell stories with no purpose. Or that I can play a few songs on a few instruments. Or that I'm a good shoulder to cry on. Or that I have a ridiculous case of the hiccups... I want to be remembered as someone who loved God, and did it all - all of those silly things above - that I did it all to bring glory to God. To honor the One who blessed me enough to be able to do all those things.
Wow. That was a tangent. All true. Totally unexpected. Don't know where it came from, but I'm okay with that :)
Random:
It worries me that my school group is all about to turn 21. I wish my church friends were about to, too. I want healthy 21st birthdays to go to, not alcohol induced coma type parties...
I'm really excited to be leaving for the Philippines in less than a month! Ahhhh! So much to do before then! God is in control. Two weeks of God, family, and exploring the beautiful country. It will be amazing, I'm sure!
You're all in my prayers tonight.
I'm in the midst of rereading one of my favorite book series. I think I was the only 9 year old excited, counting down the days for the next book to come out. I remember when The Indwelling came out, I came home from school so excited, cuz I knew my mom had bought it for me. And there it was, sitrimg on the table. I saw it, squealed, threw my backpack on the ground, ran down the hall, and saw that thecover page said "Assassins", which has been the previous book - that I had read months before. Confused, I started reading, and sure it enough, it was Assassins! What was Assassins doing in The Indwelling cover sleeve? I ran down the hall to see my dad reading "Assassins" (according to the sleeve) ans found out that my parents are total punks. Lol. I was so excited for that next book in the Left Behind series. And I was excited for every single book that came out. I read the adult books, the kid versions of the books, leftbehind.com was the first web forum I was ever apart of, and I had dramatized audio versions of the first 5 adult books and 10 kid books. Oh, and how excited I was when the movie came out!t Goodness. Those books were my first obsession with a series...
Anyways, so I'm rereading them right now, and everytime I read The Mark (the 8th book), I know what's coming. I dread it. I contemplate skipping the whole second half of the book. Reading this story about Christians being killed, by a guillotine, for not denying their faith. I cry. Everytime. Sometimes when Mrs Miklos and the other Greek Christians are executed. Or any of the countless others (hah! And the Antichrist thought the guillotines would never be used, that their mere presence would be enough to scare everyon into taking the mark of the Beast)... But I always cry when Chloe dies. And I just finished reading for the night, and I don't want to open the book tomorrow, cuz I know she dies in the next chapter...
To die a martyr, would be the best way to die. I think it's amazing. What a testimony. People say they'd take a bullet dor those that they love. I'd take one for God. Cuz who can I love more, and who could love me more? It's incomprehensible - that love. And I am so thankful. And so beyond undeserving. But so grateful for the grace and mercy He's shown me. I deserve the guillotine, and oh so much more. But it's all about what, WHO, you're living for. And any life that's worth living is only serving One Person. Anyone's life focused on something other than God is not a life at all, merely a presence taking for granted this crazy thing called life that He's given us. Heaven or Hell? If you're not doing something for God's glory, you're doing it for Satan's pleasure. It's that simple. Scary, but so real.
I don't care if people remember I'm a redhead. Or that I laugh a lot. Or that I tell stories with no purpose. Or that I can play a few songs on a few instruments. Or that I'm a good shoulder to cry on. Or that I have a ridiculous case of the hiccups... I want to be remembered as someone who loved God, and did it all - all of those silly things above - that I did it all to bring glory to God. To honor the One who blessed me enough to be able to do all those things.
Wow. That was a tangent. All true. Totally unexpected. Don't know where it came from, but I'm okay with that :)
Random:
It worries me that my school group is all about to turn 21. I wish my church friends were about to, too. I want healthy 21st birthdays to go to, not alcohol induced coma type parties...
I'm really excited to be leaving for the Philippines in less than a month! Ahhhh! So much to do before then! God is in control. Two weeks of God, family, and exploring the beautiful country. It will be amazing, I'm sure!
You're all in my prayers tonight.
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