I've learned recently that there are two different types of jealousy.
There's the type of jealousy where it's purely selfish. You see someone, and all you can think of is "I really want that purse" or "I would look so much better with that jacket than her". There's nothing attractive about that. It's a typical "me, me, me" attitude. Not cute.
Then, there's this other type of jealousy. And I can't figure out if jealousy is the right word.. But it's a jealousy when you hear something about them, and you're jealous.. But for a good reason. And in the midst of your jealousy, you're so stinking excited for them! You don't want them to not experience/have whatever it is you're jealous about.. But you do wish that you could experience it along with them.
Maybe I should give an example.
I've had this same scenario play out with a bunch of my friends in the last few months. A friend is going on a missions trip. They're going somewhere else, outside of their home, city, or country, and they are going with the purpose of helping others, showing them Christ's love, and just fully dedicating every ounce of their being to the Lord for a certain (or uncertain) amount of time. And when I hear this, my response is typically "I am jealous of you in the best way possible".
Now, I don't think I've ever thought the thought "Ugh, I wish that was me instead of them". I'm always just full of happiness and excitement for them (and promises of prayers for safety and opportunities flow from my lips), and then I think about how badly I would LOVE to be able to just drop everything I have going for me here in comfortable, routine, Orange County, California.. And just go.
Go. Go. Go.
Not go on vacation (even though I did just go on vacation and it was amazing).. But go somewhere, anywhere, and just talk with people, get to know them, share God's love with them, and see where that takes them and where it takes me.
Now, I know that jealousy is not a good thing, but, I think I've decided that I'm kinda okay with the second jealousy, because it's kinda encouraging to the other person, and also kinda a motivation for me.
On the vacation I just went on, I got to spend a few days with just my grandparents in Tennesse (my mom's parents). We spent hours just talking about life and Jesus. And it was ridiculously encouraging and just an amazing time all the way around. I can't remember how many times throughout our few short days together that I pretty much just sat there, hands in the air saying "I don't know what God wants me to do. I don't know where He wants me to be going. I don't know what He wants me to be focused on. But I'm ready. And He knows I'm ready. And just in case He doesn't know.. This is me telling Him - I am ready!"
I've been trying really hard to not have an attitude of being content with just "floating" right now. I'm at a spot in my life where I should be quite happy. I have a job that I love.. But.. I really don't think it's something that I'll make a career out of. Don't get me wrong, I love the people, but I don't get excited about working with computers. If anything, I love the fact that I spend every day helping people (even if I moan and groan sometimes).. And I'm in school, learning stuff.. But I'm really bored with it. I don't get excited about math. I don't care about geography. I tend to sit there thinking "anything that I don't know now.. Well, that's what I have Google for." And I just feel like I'm wasting my time sitting in a class learning things that I really don't care about. I want to be learning about Christ. I want to be out there, talking to people and sharing what I'm learning.. I have way, way, way more conversations about Christ and what He's doing in my life and in the lives of others than I do about who fought what battle in the Civil War and why 2 + 2 = 4.. I try to take "interest classes" to help spark an interest in what my major should be.. But I find so much more joy in pulling out a book I got from the Christian Book Store and reading that than listening to a teacher talk about something.. It's just so boring. If I'm filling my head with something, I want it to be good, Biblical stuff.
Don't get me wrong, I am content with life - actually, I love life! And I know there are people that are far worse out there than me - that might look at my life saying that they wish their only problem was not knowing their major, that I should be happy with just a job, a roof over my head, and family and friends that love me. And I am happy - I know that I am extremely blessed, and I try my hardest not to take it for granted. But I don't want to just be "happy" or "content". Because being content can oh-so-easily turn into complacency. And I know that this life I'm living isn't because of me.. It's because of Him. And I want that to remain my focus.
Jon Foreman (from Switchfoot) has this song out there.. It's not on any of his CDs (yet), and you can't buy it on iTunes. It is on Youtube though (click here!).. And there's this one line from the song that resonates in me.. "I want to thrive, not just survive".
I want to thrive. Not just survive.
And I don't want to thrive by THIS world's standards. I want to thrive by HIS. Because that is all that matters.
Posted via email from Thoughts to fingers, for all the world to see..
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